There have been quite a few weeks since I last wrote anything about my injury, my recovery (if we’ll call it that) and my psyche dealing with it all. I guess the reason for this is because it has been quite challenging mentally trying to get my “ducks in a row” so-to-speak and trying to make some kind of sense of what is happening and how long it will take to recover – or evaluate the whole situation.
In reality things change each day, I’ll get a call or an email and it can bring me right back into the depths of anxiety & depression about my situation but other days it can be just about getting out of bed, getting on with things and (trying to) control the things I can actually control!
I think in my last blog I was being handed off to a 4th consultant, also in Cambridge who is one of the top knee guys in the UK. The perception of what might be said during this consultation was left to anyones’ guess as the previous doctors have all disagreed with each other and I couldn’t even be bothered to fortune-tell what he might say so I went to Cambridge with a pretty blank idea of what was going to happen. Underneath all that was some form of hope that this guy might at least give me some good news but also the dread of thinking what would happen if he said he couldn’t do anything for me…
I emerged from the consultation room with a brand-new view of my injury and even more to assimilate in my tiny brain! I suppose there was some kind of agreement with the previous doctor that the fracture hadn’t healed and removing the metalwork could have consequences. That’s where it stopped really – that was the only similarity.
It seems my tib & fib have been pinned incorrectly – ok if you don’t fancy doing sport or triathlons after the operation but not really that good if you do! The knee has been repaired “satisfactorily” in order for me to walk (if you call it that) and get on with things but to try and use my knee in sporting activities such as running wouldn’t really work. It was suggested that I “accept things as they are” and just get on with life in my current situation – my immediate reaction was dismissive but looking back when he said that I’m confident the consultant was hoping I’d warm to the idea between now and the 1st Anniversary of my crash (late May ’22) which was when he wants to see me next. It’s only my perception but if I turn up to this appointment in a few months’ time he’ll know deep down that I’m there to try some sort of corrective surgery so he’ll have to step up! In the meantime there are several different variations of surgery that these doctors could possibly attempt – leave it as it is, remove hardware and see, re-fracture and corrective surgery (start again) or a knee replacement. Due to the nature of my world turning upside down in a split-second last May I’m not holding any thoughts onto any procedure until I’m given anaesthetic and just about to go in! I’ve been given so many different stories and probabilities I haven’t got the strength to guess what will happen next.
IN THE MEANTIME…
I’m doing the “just getting on with things” stuff but in reality that’s little more complicated that you’d assume…
Physical Training is going ok, my weekly appointments are ongoing with my personal trainer, she keeps an eye on my technique and progressive even when I’m not having a 1-2-1 session with her. Today, for example, we went through several exercises she had noticed I was doing last week on my own and spent quite a lot of time correcting my technique and going through different progressions. In reality it’s what I need, someone to correct me from my habits, it’s something I used to do when I was a personal trainer all those years ago so I appreciate the honesty.
I haven’t seen my Physiotherapist as much as I would’ve liked but that’s just a mix of me being away for a while or so and him also being away so we’ve yet to meet & catch up.
There have been several appointments with my Psychologist, it looks to be going well and it looks as though my cognitive behaviour is changing a little, if anything it has definitely made me a bit reflective when faced with scenarios, thoughts and feelings of my loss. I call it a loss because that what it is, it’s like someone has removed things from me without my say-so and I haven’t had a chance to process it (or agree to it). At times there’s anger and at times there’s frustration but although I’m writing this here & now in a fairly stoic way it’s pretty intense at times and something that’ll take a considerate amount of time to actually process.
I’m also now engaging with a local Chiropractor as my lower back is now taking a hit from being hunched over to my right hand side for several months. It’s clear it’s going to be a “two step forwards, one step back” approach with this. Last week it was three steps back so-to-speak but I will persevere and keep these appointments going as I really believe this has helped since I started attending treatments.
My swimming has developed a little – as a Christmas present, Suzy had bought me a 1-2-1 with a local pro triathlete and I eventually got round to booking the session. In this session I was given immediate feedback via Go-Pro footage and I’ve realised that I’ve been swimming quite well really considering there’s quite a few errors that need addressing in my stroke, reach, catch, pull, push, rotation…you name it, it needs addressing and although I cannot concentrate on all of them at the same time, some important ones have been looked at and I’m going quicker already. It’s a weird thing at the moment – the one discipline of the Triathlon sport that I always disliked is now one that I don’t mind doing – going to the gym and doing a 3k set seems ‘normal” whereas two years ago it would’ve filled me with dread.
Cycling is ok, the psychological issues with going out on the open-road has been mitigated a little by buying a 29’er mountain bike. Immediately there’s still that cycling bug that has been resolved, additionally there’s no perception of speed as each trail has it’s own difficulties and speed isn’t really a concern – although some local Strava KOM’s are a bit quick. My road bike has taken permanent residence on the turbo trainer and I’ve been ticking off a few sessions that the coach has given me as well as doing a few Zwift sessions. Last Tuesday I broke the chain on it and I then inspected it for any other defects whilst it was out of action – suffice to say it’s now at the local bike shop with an array of repairs needed. In the meantime I’ve hit the Wattbike again at the gym, the 29’er and yesterday – for the 1st time – the crash replacement bike – the Cervelo “Bling Bike” went out and it felt pretty quick. I’ve yet to be convinced it was all me but the bike definitely helped!
All in all the fitness training has helped me just get on with things, get into a regime where I’m given a few goals to achieve until other things in my life happen. There’s talk of trying to compete in events later in the year but I think I’m now well & truly in that “participation” group if any event is being entered. The drive to do the best I can is still there but there are clearly massive obstacles in the way, not only physically (a leg that doesn’t really work) but psychologically and emotionally there are difficulties in accepting I won’t be able to challenge the Age Group or push my personal bests. That will take time I guess.
IN OTHER NEWS…
I’ve taken on a few courses to keep the grey matter engaging for a while, I’ve enrolled in a Mental Health Awareness Course (Level 2) as I have always been inquisitive about this subject, not only regarding my own experiences but also for people I can possibly help in the future. Not in a qualified way of course, but in an awareness-way and being able to help when previously I couldn’t. Late last week I completed the 13th Module, I was told that I had passed all 13 and I’m just awaiting Moderation to confirm the completion of the course. Who knows what next? Maybe Level 3? Maybe another course of interest to keep me occupied?
The other course is a Triathlon Coaching (Level 2) Course to accompany my Cycling Coaching Course and my other Health & Fitness qualifications. Maybe my progression in this sport is helping others as opposed to doing it myself? I’ve enjoyed the coursework, although a bit full-on at times and the rescue website being “clunky” but I think I’m pretty much on top of things at the moment.
Book racing has taken a step back at the moment but that’s expected I guess with all the reading I’m doing with the other two courses.
From a work perspective there are definitely “wheels in motion” in getting back to work, albeit at a reduced capacity, at least for the time being. The mental issues with staring at four walls for nearly 10 months can take its toll on even the healthiest minds so I’m keen to get back to some kind of normality. I think it’s safe to say my work colleagues are also keen as they haven’t had much of a break since my crash date. There is a concern I may come back too quickly and this may hinder my recovery process, but I have hope in the process and my return to work will soon happen.
Vegas Baby!
Two years on and we revisited Las Vegas a few weeks back. In a mixed celebration of birthdays – two 50ths, a 40th & a 60th five of us went, Suzy & myself, Danny & Michelle and Cheryl (Suzy’s mum). The week there was just as manic as I recalled it could be and we visited quite a lot of places within our holiday, mainly due to Suzy’s Itinerary with almost military precision! If anybody is reading this and needs a “Vegas Planner” she’s definitely the person for the job, the best deals, the best shows, the best buffet breakfasts at the best price…and a pretty amazing wife too. Again, my opportunity to thank my wife for looking after me, not only whilst we were at Vegas but also for being there in all the emotional moments after doctors’ consultations and disappointing exercise sessions. And putting up with several rants about absolutely nothing!
