In every single one of my blogs I always refer to my last blog in the first chapter, this time there is nothing to refer to, it’s pretty much the same as before! The more I write the more I will realise things have completely changed (ironically) but it feels that the last few months have been a complete limbo with regards to my injury and I’m nowhere nearer to getting on with my life the way it used to be.
In essence I am still waiting for this 50-year-old body to generate some bone in my tibia, repair the fracture that was still there in the New Year and once I get an appointment to get another CT Scan to show this has been healed I can then move to getting an appointment with the consultant in Cambridge to then look for a date for surgery to re-break & re-pin it and start all over again or to go for a partial knee replacement – well, that’s how I understand it anyway. The fact the consultant said he wants to wait until the anniversary (late-May) until anything proceeds it’s as though time has slowed down and this date will never come.
In this Limbo period I’ve done my best to keep occupied with as many aspects of my previous-life as I can…
Swimming – well here’s a part of my life & the sport of triathlon I thought I would never look forwards to each time! Back in the day when I started Triathlon I would join many athletes at the startingline and absolutely hate the swim-part of the sport. We’d all look at each other and think “why are we doing this?” because the swimming is (for most) the hardest part to get through. Due to the absence of things to do during the week, as I’m not at work (I’ll talk about that later), going to the swimming pool, getting a 3000m session done and dealing with the “breaststrokers in the fast lane” is currently a bit of a novelty. It’s helping that I’m getting quicker – no longer am I verging on the 2-min per hundred club – I’m now down around the 1:40’s. I put most of this down to not running…what I mean is I’m not fatigued by the running so I’ve got a little more energy for the other disciplines. Recent CSS (swim fitness) tests have shown a good improvement over the past 6 months. In reality I’m not going to break any swimming records any time soon but it’s a big improvement for my anyway. 🙂
Cycling – I look back to last year when I was struggling to even get my leg over the pedal stroke and where I am right now to see that there has been a vast improvement in my fitness. My right leg is clearly inhibiting what I could do and I’m aware of the pain that keeps reminding me that I have a shattered leg but I’m a bit ignorant/stupid so I sometimes go a little further/harder than I should and I pay for it the next day. A compression sleeve and some ice helps a little but I know that my right leg is definitely holding me back.
A few weeks back Suzy surprised me with a Easter Weekend Break in Majorca – my 2nd home, for my 50th Birthday. We headed out to Palma and then Alcudia to an all-inclusive hotel for a few days. Suzy had organised some bike-hire nearby so this was the moment where I would no longer go for the e-bike that I preferred last year when on this sunny island, instead I had a normal “self-propelled” bike…just like everyone else! The moment of truth really was Day 2 when we set out to climb Fermenia, Puig Major and Soller so that Suzy could complete her list of “Iconic Climbs” in Majorca – it’s taken 5 years to tick them all off but she’s done it now. I was really apprehensive about the climb and outwardly seems upbeat and confident but deep down I was scared senseless. The worst-case scenario was stopping after a few metres and going back to the hotel because I couldn’t climb the mountain. But as the hairpins came I realised that I could do it! It obviously helped that the gear ratios on the bike allowed me to ride seated in bottom gear, standing wasn’t really an option as I couldn’t press down hard on my right leg. But slowly (definitely slowly) but surely we both ticked off the climbs, the kilometres and the several cafe stops before completing just over 90-miles that day. I’m not one for showing emotions too much but I was beaming from ear to ear that evening and a few cerveza’s went down quite well!
It’s a long story but we came back on the Easter Bank Holiday Monday only to go back out to Majorca on the Thursday again, this time to the west-side of the island so that Suzy could complete a Half Marathon event with friends Danny & Michelle that Saturday. Keen to try and make the most of my new-found ability to ride a bike in Majorca I organised a bike to hire locally and set off reminiscing each day on this side of the island of my first ever trip here some 26 years before. I rode the Galilea, Puigpunyent, Banyalbalfur & Estellencs routes and remembered how damned difficult they were and how I could understand my (back-then) cycling friends Patrick & Phil were so worried about me as I was really struggling to cope with the elevation each day. This time it was “bottom-gear” mode every time and I just enjoyed the sunshine and the company of other cyclists passing me or on occasion me passing them!
This new-found ability to ride a bike relatively well made me enter my first competitive event for over two years, my psychotherapist has helped me understand that whatever the result, it will be a personal best or benchmark for the “New Nick” as my performance is inhibited by this injury. Nonetheless, it’s hard not to compare to the “Old Nick” when competing and registering times but I was pleasantly surprised I could ride quite well despite my injury. That being said I paid for it later in the day, and the next, when my leg flared up and ibuprofen, the compression sleeve & Ice were required. I’m now thinking that I could take part in a few events before my next surgery just to tick a few boxes instead of sitting indoors waiting for an absolution so-to-speak. So, as soon as I’ve finished this blog I’ll have look on the Cycling Time Trials website and just have a go at a few.
There is, naturally, a part of me that knows that I will be judged by others because I am taking part in events again. The simplistic view is that I am once again back in racing and therefore I have made a miraculous recovery. This is clearly not the case – I have a shattered tibia and this injury will be lifelong, I cannot walk without assistance & there is distinctive limp. Surgery is required and that might not even work and I will be left with this gamma leg for the next 40 years of my life. I’m trying to avoid the whole melodrama but a few comments recently have frustrated me quite a lot. There is an expectation for me to give up and get fat & unfit in order to satisfy their perception of my incident and subsequent injuries – I’m not buying that. I’m trying to do whatever I can to carry on as normal before it all comes crashing down again. Life is too short.
This “gammy leg” thing is a sticking point with my work situation. With the best of intentions I went to my workplace and had a go at doing things that I thought I could do with my current injury. I felt quite please that there was at least a few things I could do and with the best intentions I told my boss that I was prepared to come back as soon as these specific restrictions could be agreed and signed off. This signing off has taken quite a lot of time and has yet to be completed, reports need to be written, they need to be agreed by insurers, by employers etc. etc. and this is still ongoing. My fear is that by the time this is all agreed I will be going under the knife again and the process will have to start all over again. The mind & heart is willing – the body is not 🙁
I’m getting bored of my own voice now so I’ll finish this blog by saying that my personal training has been going well, with gains in leg strength and other areas it’s great to have someone who’s as keen to get me fighting fit again as much as I am. My psychotherapy sessions have really helped me understand that PTSD is definitely there and my approach to riding a bike again on the open road wouldn’t have been possible without Katie’s help – although I still have my moments and this process is still definitely ongoing. Chiropractor sessions are the norm now as my limp creates instabilities in my lower back and this needs addressing pretty much on a weekly basis. Physiotherapy has taken a bit of a backseat at the moment as there is little progression in that department but I still touch base with them to keep them updated on my other therapies and small goals completed.
And of course – Suzy. My rock. Every. Single. Time.