In my last blog a couple of weeks ago I did say that things have taken a bit of a nose-dive in recent weeks. There’s been a lot of anxiety, apprehension & procrastination about writing this blog due to it’s nature. The thing is, mental health has a mahoosive stigma attached to it – especially in the UK and especially in men. I have attended mental health first aid training courses, undertaken mental health qualifications and almost every book I read is something to do with psychology of athletes or people who push themselves to the maximum and what drives them. So you would think that I would be a “champion” of this type of cause….but it’s still that stigma/taboo subject that everyone wants to avoid at all costs.
Now, I need to acknowledge that the last few months have outwardly been pretty amazing. My focus on my goal in winning at Almere and ticking quite a few boxes along the way. My nutrition has cleaned up considerably, compared to just shovelling in my mouth whatever was in the cupboard! The subsequent cycle-tour round Holland was amazing and so was the extended stay in Majorca, not to mention the return to Majorca for a few more rides round the magical island.
But…I’m home now and reality has started to creep in…
This time of year is always a bit of a struggle for me personally. I can’t put my finger on exactly what goes on inside my head to “lower the mood” but I look back at photos taken and social media posts at around this time of year and it’s always the same feelings and sensations. Whether it’s “SAD” as the medical experts call it or it’s more of a “the family that once was” thing I really don’t know. If it was easy to diagnose then I know my analytical & problem-solving brain would attack it and deal with it, the way I have many situations and scenarios over the years. But this “brain fog” type of mood is always around me in these darker UK months.
I’m acutely aware that I am no longer fighting solicitors and the legal system with my claim against the driver. The last three and a half years have been a constant stress with either the defendant or my employer – that’s all gone now and there’s no more stress. But then again, there’s no more problems to solve, no more fights to fight and little in that area to focus on and maybe be distracted by.
There’s all the issue with the impending surgery on my knee…yes, again!
It’s my choice to have this surgery and I’m sure I’ve explained it in more detail in previous blogs but it’s a given that it has to be done in order for me to have a less-complicated future. But, that doesn’t make the choice any easier to make. To ask someone to break your legs isn’t something you hear on a daily basis but I guess this guy (the consultant) does it for a living so I’m sure he does hear that every day! But for me it’s the reality of being immobilised for several months and the associated pain, both physically and mentally because of these limiting times. It’s fair to say I wasn’t the best patient during those post-crash months and even though I can prepare for it in many ways, the mental side of things is my deepest worry. The fact I’m putting it off until I tick a few more off my bucket list next year suggests I’m thinking it (the surgery) won’t be a success but we can’t tell the future and who knows what will happen afterwards.
My current situation is unemployed because my employer saw no worth in me continuing with that company. Employment after a horrific crash that I wouldn’t wish on anyone is going to be difficult for any employer and making reasonable adjustments to my working pattern weren’t even considered. My abilities and “value” to the company was blown apart within days of the crash and it seemed destiny that I would be laid off as “surplus to requirements”. Work is something that I’ve always prided myself on – I’ve always done the best I could do when at work and there have been many colleagues over the years saying what great work ethic I had and there are some who still call me “boss” in a well-meaning way. But that’s all gone and now I face up to more uncertainty with regards to work.
I have my #hashtagcoaching business where I coach athletes from multi-discipline triathlon events at all distances from sprints to Ironman events, to single discipline athletes such as cycling, ultra-running and even those who are just looking at weight loss and personal training.
I have also recently started up a Time Trial Team/Club – #HashtagCoaching where we already have 7 members and several local riders have stated there interest in joining for 2025. I’m currently finalising the kit design so watch this space at a Time Trial near you soon!
This coaching and team admin keeps me busy to a point, added in my own training both on the bike, in the pool and in the gym and I have a fairly busy lifestyle but I do question if it’s enough and often daydream on going back to work whether in a part or full-time position. But then I’m immediately reminded of my disability and whether an employer would take on a 52 year old guy with a wonky leg and my immediate “Self Worth” takes a massive hit.
This is where I bring in my counsellor – a lady who was asked to help with my post-crash life by the defendant – to rehabilitate me faster. Since the claim is now settled I still see her on a regular basis out of my own pocket because there’s the tying of loose ends that needs sorting…or so I thought.
The last time I spoke to her face-to-face was back in September, days before I was off to Almere so it was left with me anticipating a good race and everything’s groovy. Fast forward a few months and things have turned quite a few corners since so I’m sure she was quite surprised when I blurted out most of which I have written above. Needless to say she took it in all well – and we now have an “action plan” on “controllables” and “uncontrollables” over the next few weeks to focus on to get things back on track, with a review in a months’ time.
It needs to be said that the counselling has been invaluable over the past few years, whether it’s post-crash related or just the daily stresses and worries. Having someone impartial who I can talk to and just air my frustrations, my concerns, my feelings etc. has definitely had a positive impact on my life, in fact it’s had a positive effect on all those around me too as I’m a different person to who I was pre-crash in so many ways.
A lot of anxiety comes from trying to get enough courage to talk to someone close to you about struggling with mental health or talk about situations/scenarios that do not help. The danger comes when you pour out your stresses, frustrations and pretty much everything within the space of five minutes and the person you’re talking to can’t but help feel they’re being told they’re doing something wrong and could become defensive about the whole thing. The anxiety is so strong that the individual just doesn’t say anything at all and says “everything’s fine”, which it clearly isn’t.
There’s also anxiety behind the fact that the “British Stiff Upper Lip” still remains. When we see friends and family, the first thing we say as a rule is “How are you?”. To which the automatic reply is “I’m fine”. Followed by perhaps a sarcastic “living the dream” or something like that. If the recipient was to say “actually I’m not ok…” and then progress onto how they’re really feeling the majority of people wished they hadn’t asked and try & avoid the conversation as quickly as possible.
It’s safe to say a lot of people just aren’t equipped mentally to listen, respond or simply be there for someone with poor mental health – this is where the stigma lies – it’s just not the British way of doing things!
But here I am waffling on about it and some of you may have already stopped reading!
I could waffle on more about how life isn’t fair but one thing is for certain – Suzy’s unwavering support throughout these past few weeks, the past few years since the crash and indeed the seven years plus since we first met. She does get the brunt of my crisis’s as she’s more often than not within the immediate vicinity when it happens but she always seems to find a way of just being there and listening to me when I need it the most.
The common phrase is “We’re a team – Team Esser” and I can’t describe how thankful I am in so many ways about having her in my life BUT… I do struggle with my self worth.
So here I am, breaking the stigma and talking about it.
