I have been procrastinating with this blog, mainly because of it’s possible content as I start to ramble on about what’s knocking inside my head. Writing onto a computer keyboard sometimes gives me a little therapy as it gets it out of my head and onto paper (so-to-speak), and looking at it as I read it back before I press “publish” does affirm what I’m thinking and all of a sudden I become self-aware and on top of things again. This time I’m not so sure it’ll help but sitting here I’m keen (kind of) to give it a go…
The last blog was pretty upbeat, I’d been racing, with varying levels of success. We’d been on holiday to Majorca for our end of season jolly to Challenge Majorca where we picked up a win. Then home for the best wedding we’ve ever been to. Then back to Majorca for a training camp that was booked on the morning of the crash. Then home to get on with the usual stressors that life (and injury) brings. I guess with a past few weeks like that things were going to come down to earth with a bump.
To hear a top-knee specialist say “we have an expression in our industry – get it right in the first place” was a bit of a jolt to be fair. The fact I’ve been pushing for an answer why my knee isn’t working like everyone else’s after so much physiotherapy, physical training & dedication by myself and those other professionals around me seemed to have been vindicated at this exact point when he said this phrase. It’s a mixture of being angry (which will get me nowhere), being frustrated that it wasn’t fixed properly and somehow hopeful, having all these emotions at the same time has taken its toll on me over the past 18+ months. I’ll come to that later…
Following this consultation, the recommendation was to undergo two surgeries, the first was to do an arthroscopy to remove the metalwork, something I have been championing since last November (’21), at the same time the surgeon would “scope” the knee joint, take pictures and evaluate whether the second operation would be possible.
Recovery from this first operation would involve having daily sessions with an ultrasound machine to fill in the holes in the bone and to ensure the fracture (which is still there) is stable enough for further surgery. The reason behind this is if the surgeon tried to remodel the knee immediately after taking the hardware out, the knee joint might Crumble in his hands making this a really bad scenario and I could end up worse than I started.
Once healed several months down the road, the idea is to go in again and remodel the joint, based on all images at the time of the arthroscopy and new images without the distortion of hardware (metal does this to MRI & CT scans). The consultant even suggested they would create a 3D model of my knee so that a “plan of action” could be decided between himself & his clinical team prior to the operation.
I’m now in that situation for someone to “tick a box” to fund something that will change my entire life. My interpretation of this does leave me quite angry – unfortunately there’s someone completely unrelated to my life and the people around me contemplating the “pounds, shillings & pence” when it should be about the individual involved. Although I understand that Insurance companies are there as a business, I think there should be a “Jerry Maguire” moment for them to look after their customers/patients and the business will follow. It’s safe to say that my Case Manager (the go-between me & the insurance company) has had a few short-sharp emails from me over the past year saying exactly this! This candid attitude from the funders have left me physically & mentally drained over the months and it’s taken quite a lot of inner-energy to get up each day and get on with things. “What’s the point” has been said more than a few times, it has to be said.
Having a lot of time on my hands during the day has led me down two different paths, one path is the Cycling/Triathlon Training path where I have completed various British Triathlon Courses & Modules to become a qualified Triathlon Coach. I already held a full British Cycling Coach Qualification for nearly 20 years so I’ve added a few strings to my bow by taking the Training Peaks (A coaching platform) University Courses to become fully accredited with them. During this time I have taken on a handful of Cyclists & Triathletes who are on their own journeys to their goals on 2023. This has given me a focus and as well as helping these athletes it has also helped me.
The second path, has taken me down the mental health route, I’ve completed a College Course to gain a Mental Health Awareness L2 Qualification and recently I’ve attended a Mental Health First Aid Course. This alongside quite a few Sports Biographies and Mental Health Awareness Books have made me realise a thing or two about myself and the people who are (were) around me.
This Mental Health awareness of myself and others’ has led me to look at things from a different viewpoint, I’ve questioned this perspective with my psychiatrist on more than a few occasions. My dedication to my rehabilitation, to my training, to my coached athletes, to my family, to the quest of learning something new every day has in one hand created a distraction from the problems I face on a daily basis, looking at it from another perspective, I have these things as a coping strategy.
In the end, whether pre-stress or post-stress they must be helping as I seem to be swimming rather than sinking. Nonetheless, the situation I’m currently in has me neither of the two – I’m floating, not going anywhere, not swimming, not sinking and I’m quite uncomfortable about it to be honest.
Typing this into the computer now, I’m trying to explain my emotions, but as is typical with men, I can’t. “Numb” is the only word I can think of.
With that in mind, I briefly discussed the mental health first aider course I completed with a friend a week or so ago over breakfast, I recalled a couple of tell-tale signs from the course, about spotting poor mental health & how I would try and help that individual. I looked up from my bacon & eggs and saw a completely gazed-look. No interest whatsoever.
My “takeaway” from that precise moment is how people, men particularly, are so shut off from their feelings when they are struggling – they almost shut off from the world, bottle it up and hide it as it’s considered a weakness. Instead they hide from it by drinking, gambling maybe, drug abuse, taking it out on their family/friends, putting others’ down to make themselves feel better, or, in the worst-case scenarios, take drastic action to try and end it all. It’s no wonder that men are at he highest in suicide rates in the western world.
The “Stigma” does still exist.
Whether it’s a distraction or coping mechanism, my rehabilitation and training has been going quite well. The swimming has kind of plateaued a bit as speeds have levelled off at a fairly respectable pace. I’m keen to go to the local health club and knock out a 4000m set regardless in the hope that one day I’ll break through this plateau sooner or later. There is a temptation to start swimming with others at another pool but then I’ll start comparing myself with them and that won’t end well as I know I’m slower than them. I’m already doing this a little bit by looking at their Strava swim pace 🙁
The cycling, as before has remained mostly indoors, the last outdoor expedition (albeit off-road) was in sub-zero conditions so I won’t be doing that again in a hurry. I’m following a self-coached path, I’ve looked at possible coaches and platforms to take me into 2023 but a: They’re horrifically expensive and b: They do not have half the content I would put in as a coach so I don’t see the value in spending hundreds of pounds for a half-hearted training plan. Adding into this my operations may put a stop to things so paying for a plan seems like throwing money away until these surgeries are done with.
My PT and Rehab is slowing down, but still progressive and my trainer, although I joke about how easy the sessions are (which I know winds her up) are really making the difference. Chiropractic care is now monthly and we seem to now be on top of the back issues I have because of my limp. As for my psychiatric appointments – I’m in need of these sessions more than ever at the moment – despite this being argued by the “pounds, shillings & pence” person!
Yes, as always, Suzy is there by my side trying to keep me sane. These blogs wouldn’t be the same if I didn’t mention her at some point or another.
Fingers crossed, next blog might be written from a hospital bed 🙂
(Who in their right mind would write that!!!)