I was listening to a podcast a couple of days ago, where the two presenters were talking about “Bullshit Busters” – a regular feature on their show. This week was relating to Pro or Semi-Pro Athletes posting on their social media about an upcoming race, how great they’re feeling and how they’re so thankful to their sponsors etc….and then three weeks later they’re off somewhere to train with no mention of the race they were building up to. The chances are that they probably had a bad day at the office and didn’t want to talk about it, but their disappearing act since that last social media post doesn’t help the people following that athletes’ journey – this is what the podcasters were calling out..
So, here’s my journey, warts & all. The whole caboodle. Goods & bad. Highs & lows. Just like Joe & Tom when they produce their podcasts each week…
In my last blog I was just about to have a MRI to see what the state of my cartilage was and if the consultant could do anything to alleviate my pain when walking. The MRI was agreed in the first instance by the imaging department in Cambridge, I guess the amount of metal in my leg was going to be a factor when making this decision. I returned back to Cambridge to have this done and all seemed pretty straight forward. Lying in that big machine for nearly an hour, listening to Radio2 (I must be getting old!) does leave you with bit of time to mull things over – What if this is the outcome? What if that is the outcome? You can imagine that chimp inside my head going over all possible outcomes but, as Suzy & I have learnt – it’s always that “Plan J” that you didn’t account for that will rear its ugly head and you’re off on a different path yet again!
The consultation was a few days ago. There was a temptation to go online immediately and rant but that never really helps as you read it through over & over and get caught in that self-indulgence thing I hate so much. Once you’re in it it’s so difficult to get out of – I have friends who are in that vicious circle more often than not and it’s very worrying knowing they’re struggling. For many it’s such a throw-away comment to say “snap out of it” and this, I have learned, is more a reflection on their inability to be self-aware as opposed to how stoic & strong they think they are.
Back to the consultation – well “Plan J” definitely happened. We met our Case Manager before the appointment – she needed to be there to agree (or disagree) with funding of further appointments, scans or surgery, if needed. The three of us went in & sat down and listened to the expert. He had looked at the MRI images and there isn’t a lot he could do going into the knee joint (Arthroscopy) and resolving. Although the cartilage isn’t as damaged as we all thought, the bone is still smashed and uneven/missing in places and it’s clear it will not regrow. The damage to the tibial plateau is permanent and the consultant expects there to be little gained by going in & removing the hardware & cleaning the knee joint – it’s beyond repair in effect.
As you might expect the consultation room was pretty quiet for a few minutes after he delivered this news. Shock doesn’t quite cover my response as I had a rough idea on how the meeting was going to go and this was definitely not on my radar. Once I had acquired some form of composure I started to ask the obvious questions. I asked if there was anything that could be done via surgery. He talked about the risks involved in having further surgery and the percentages of success. The risks were that the surgery could make my situation worse – I could have even more limited movement as a result of surgery, there was a chance of absolutely nothing being achieved by re-breaking the leg and remodelling it. There was even a chance of amputation if blood vessels were damaged during the operation – something which I would sign a disclaimer prior to the operation itself. He made it clear he was not trying to persuade me one way or the other but was just giving me the facts about possible outcomes. He summarised the consultation saying that if the condition of my leg deteriorated so much that I would consider the operation he would consider doing it for me, however, he would not be recommending any operation for the foreseeable future. In turn, he recommended I carry on my rehabilitation with physiotherapy, physical training and other supporting therapies to get me better as I am. Being 15 months into this chapter of my journey is “early days” apparently and there’s many more years to get better.
At this point my case manager starting asking a few questions to give me a little time to absorb the information he had just given me(us).
As the title of this blog edition refers, he did ask if I would consider changing my lifestyle! The question seemed ridiculous , madness even. How dare he tell me what to do. Does he know how my whole life, friends, social circles etc. revolves around some form of health & fitness or sport? Is he suggesting I find new friends who don’t do these activities? I did reply quite flippantly “Are you telling me to take up darts or snooker?”. My reply made him sit back and rethink his proposal – he did explain that maybe I just use health & fitness as a recreational pastime and not as a competitive sport. He understands the need for exercise in my life – from a physical and mental fitness standpoint, he also takes part in sport and would also have the same response if some told him to change his lifestyle, so I think he gets it, which is why we left the consultation open-ended with the option to have this corrective operation as a last resort if needed.
The expectations Vs reality scenario caught both Suzy & I off-guard and we’re now headed into a difficult few months, maybe years. Rather than drive the 2-hour journey home immediately we headed for a local pub to have some food and relax/absorb before coming home.
In the meantime I’ll just crack-on with a few goals such as competing for GB in the Aquabike World Championships, being the bike-part of a relay in future triathlons – maybe the swim-part as I’m getting a bit quicker in that department too! I’m developing my coaching platform and gaining a few cycling and triathlon athletes – the feedback from them is my inspiration to carry on as best I can so I too can be inspiration for them as well. And for Suzy – in each & every blog I mention her. God only knows how she puts up with my regular meltdowns, my ongoing pain and frustrations with not being able to do what I did once. There have been tears – from both of us. There’s a mutual sense of helplessness between us – the reality of this injury is now clear and I’ve (we’ve) just got to get on with it.
So there it is Joe & Tom – and all other readers of my journey. Not the best edition of my blog and I’m definitely not looking for sympathy but it won’t be my last – the journey continues…
